Age Jokes
An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."
"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"
"Like what?"
An elderly man was talking with a friend: "My wife and I tried a new Chinese restaurant the other night. It was really good. I think you and your wife would enjoy it."
Friend: "We'll have to try it. What was the name of the Restaurant?"
Elderly man: "Oh, let's see, ....what WAS the name....I just can't quite think of it.....hmmmm.......................uhh, what's the name of a flower.....real popular..... long-stemmed.....thorns....?"
Friend: "Rose??"
Elderly man: "Yes! That's it! ......Rose, hey Rose, what was the name of that new restaurant we went to the other night?"
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him.
"How bad is it?" the doctor asks.
"I have no idea," says the husband.
"Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way we'll have an idea of her range of hearing loss."
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.
From 20 feet: "What are we having for dinner?" No answer. From 10 feet, same thing. From 5 feet, same thing. Finally he's standing right behind her ... "What's for dinner?"
She turns around, looks at him and says "For the FOURTH time ... BEEF STEW!!!"
Three elderly women lived together in an old house.
On a particular day, one of the women was sitting in the parlor doing her knitting.
Another one of the women was standing on the staircase landing and said, with consternation in her voice, "Now, was I going up the stairs, or was I going down the stairs?"
A few seconds later the lady who was knitting heard another woman say, voice full of confusion, as she was standing mid-calf deep in the tub, "Was I getting into the tub or was I getting out of the tub?"
The woman in the parlor set down her knitting and said, "I sure am glad that I'm not like those two--- knock on wood!" as she leaned forward and rapped her knuckles on the coffee table. Then she said, "Hey, was that the front door or was that the back door?"
A man was invited to dinner by his elderly neighbors. The old gentleman endearingly preceded every request to his wife with "'Honey,' 'Darling,' 'Sweetheart,' 'Pumpkin,'" etc.
The man was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, he said to the gentleman, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still refer to your wife in those terms."
The elderly husband just hung his head. "Actually, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
Herman said in alarm, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
Two old ladies had played bridge together for years. Naturally they had gotten to know each other very well.
One day during a game, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "Now dear, I know that we've known each other for many years, so please don't be angry or upset by this. But could you please tell me your name? I'm trying to remember, but I just can't bring it to mind."
The other lady stares at her for a full three minutes and replies, "How soon do you need to know?"
Getting to Heaven:
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.
As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located on. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with all the cuisines of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part-- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins and exercise, I could have been here ten years ago!"
Out for a Drive
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
Time may be a great healer; but it's a lousy beautician!
A woman is worried about an older woman, a widow, who lives in the apartment next door. She hasn't heard anything from her for a few days.
So she tells her son, "I want you to go next door and see how ol' Mrs. Pierpoint is."
A few minutes later, the boy returns.
"Well, is she all right?" the mother asks.
"She's fine, but she's annoyed with you," he says.
"At me? Whatever for?"
"Well," says her son,
"Mrs. Pierpoint told me it's none of your business how old she is."
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
