How to tell You are Growing Old 
Everything hurts,
and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work
You feel like the morning after,
when you haven't been anywhere.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you any questions.
You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair, but you can't get it going.
Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist,
and 96 around the 9 hole golf course.
You can't stand people who are intolerant.
You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
Your pacemaker raises the garage door when a pretty girl goes by.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You get your exercise acting as pallbearer
for friends who exercise.
You have too much room in the house,
and not enough in the medicine cabinet.