Humorous Quotes on Aging

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You Know You Have Reached Middle Age...

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home. (Phyllis Diller)

The longer I live, the less future there is to worry about.

Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.

Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. (Woody Allen)

Despite the cost of living, it's still quite popular.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (Milton Berle)

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.

If you're old enough to know better, you're too old to do it.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice.  One day he took me aside and left me there.

I'm so old that bartenders check my pulse instead of my ID.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Anyone can get old.  All you have to do is live long enough. (Groucho Marx)

There's one advantage to being 102: no peer pressure. (Dennis Wolfberg)

Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. (Garrison Keiller)

My uncle reads the obits every day.  He can't understand how people always die in alphabetical order.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

Big deal!  I'm used to dust! (Erma Bombeck's requested gravestone epitaph)

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Author Unknown