The Epistle of the Elders/Sisters to the Letter Writers

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Author Unknown

Chapter One

1. In the beginning was the mailbox and the mailbox was void of letters.
2. And the missionaries said, Let the mailbox be filled and the box was not filled.
3. And the missionaries beheld the continuing void and were not pleased.
4. And lo, it was the first day of the week and there was no mail delivered, but this was good.
5. But on the second day mail was delivered, yet the mailbox remained empty.
6. Yea, even from the second day unto the seventh was the mail delivered.
7. Even so the box retained its' void.
8. And yea, great mists of darkness spread forth from the void and enshrouded the Missionaries. Yea and did bring much sadness to their otherwise cheery days.
9. Even the long hours of fruitless tracting, being chased by the fowls of the air, and being pursued by the beast of the field were not as disheartening as the lack of sacred objects known as letters.
10. Yet they persisted.

Chapter Two

1. And, lo, on the second day of the second week the mists still encircled the sacred mailbox.
2. And on the third day, from within the depths of the void was a single postcard.
3. And this postcard put forth a single ray of light which did pierce the darkness and did overcome the mists.
4. And the Missionaries were well pleased and there was much rejoicing.
5. But, alas, their joy was not to last. For the mailbeast had made a mistake and the postcard was for someone else.
6. But if their joy was so exceedingly great over someone else's mail, how great would be their joy at partaking of their own mail.

Chapter Three

1. And we give unto you the parable of the Two Letter Writers.
2. At the hour of noon a certain scribe sat down to write a letter.
3. And the scribe did think of many things to write, but, he spent so much time thinking that he did not write.
4. Nevertheless he felt good because he had great intentions.
5. At that same hour a publican sat down and wrote a few words as he ate.
6. Yet he felt guilty at not writing enough.
7. And, lo, the 24 months passed and the Missionary returned home and passed by the scribes' house.
8. Yea, he went even unto the house of the publican and did visit the publican.
9. Verily a letter is like unto a prize in a Cheerios box; the which if a man knows it is in there he selleth all that he has that he may buy a case of Cheerios that he may obtain it.

Chapter Four

1. Even more blessed than the Missionary receiving mail is a friend or relative writing letters.
2. And if you should spend 5 minutes writing on letter how great shall be your joy.
3. And if your joy be great with one letter, how great shall it be with many letters in the mailbox of a missionary.
4. Else why do they build Post Offices if letters are written not at all; why then do they build Post Offices.
5. Yea, though I speak with the tongue of men and angels, and write not letters, I am nothing.
6. Letters never faileth; But if there be good thoughts they shall fail; whether there be unsent mail it shall vanish.
7. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child.
8. Even as I have put away my childish things, ye must replace them with unchildish mail.
9. And now abideth thoughts, intentions, mail; These three. But the greatest of these is mail.
10. Yea, if thou lovest me, write me letters.

Chapter Five

1. But some will say, a letter, a letter. We have already written a letter. We have no need to write anymore letters.
2. Know ye not that there are more days than one. And more events than one in a day. Why think ye that these events need not to be reported.
3. Yea, and ye need not worry that your letter will go unanswered.
4. But you should say, I will go and write the letter that a missionary requests. For I know he giveth no request except he be prepared to respond.
5. And we give unto you the Parable of the self addressed envelopes.
6. When the missionary departed into the far off land he gave a certain number of self-addressed stamped envelopes to his friends.
7. Unto one he gave 5, unto another he gave 2, and unto the third he gave 1.
8. And while he was gone he that was given the 5 envelopes wrote 5 letters, then in his zeal wrote 5 letters more.
9. The same with him that had 2 envelopes; he wrote 2 letters and then 2 letters more.
10. He that was given the self-addressed envelope became slothful and careless. And he lost the envelope, even that which he was given.
11. When the missionary came home he went unto his friends. And he that had written 10 letters was warmly greeted.
12. The same with him that had written 4.
13. But he that had written none at all was given nothing more than a Fishy-Whimp like handshake.

Chapter Six

1. And it has been said; Blessed are the letter writers for they shall receive mail in return.
2. Blessed are they that keep in touch with a missionary for they shall know all that happens to him.
3. Ye and your letters are the light of a missionaries' day.
4. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.
5. Neither do men write letters and put them in a desk but in an envelope that it giveth light unto all that are around the missionary.
6. Let your letters so be read by missionaries that they may see your good works and show an increased love to you.
7. And we give unto you the Parable of the Prodigal Letter Writer.
8. A missionary had two friends while he was laboring in the field.
9. One was faithful and wrote every week to the missionary.
10. Meanwhile, the other friend spent his stamp money on riotous living and wrote no letters.
11. But after 231/2 months he felt deep sorrow and did write a letter unto the missionary.
12. Who when he received it did go and kill the fatted Macaroni and Cheese box and did feast and was merry.
13. For it was meet that he should make merry for the letter writer which was lost was now found.

Chapter Seven

1. Unto you is given some stationary, and some paper, and some envelopes, and some pens and pencils.
2. For the writing of the letters, for the cheering up of the missionary, for the improving of your English skills.
3. Till the missionary return home, till we all come to be together again in the bond of friendship.
4. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose.
5. A time to contemplate writing and a time to write.
6. A time to put letters in the envelopes and a time to stamp the envelopes.
7. A time to mail the letters and a time to start the whole process over again.
8. Now we beseech you brethren concerning the coming home of our missionary and our gathering together to meet him.
9. That you be not soon shaken in mind or be troubled neither by word nor by any letter from us that the return missionary is at hand.
10. Let no one deceive you by any means for that day shall not come unless there first be an abundance of letters; and the man of mail be revealed, a true friend.

Chapter Eight

1. And the missionary said unto his friend, Lovest thou me?
2. And the friend said, of course I love thee.
3. He saith a second time, friend, Lovest thou me? and the friend said, Thou knowest that I love thee. He then said, Feed my mailbox.
4. He then spake a third time saying, Lovest thou me? and the friend said, Thou knowest all things, thou knowest I love thee.
5. Then the missionary said, Stuffest my mailbox.
6. And the vision is become unto all as the words of a letter which is sealed in the envelope that the men deliver to one who is not serving a mission saying, read this, I pray thee; and he saith I cannot for it is not mine.
7. And the letter is delivered to him that is serving a mission saying, read this I pray thee; and he saith, why sure.
8. Therefore you should proceed to do a marvelous work among a missionary, even a marvelous work and a wonder by writing a letter.

Chapter Nine

1. And the word of the Missionary came unto his friend saying,
2. Moreover, thou friend of mine, take thee one piece of paper and write it for a Missionary and for the House of the __________________ Mission, his companions; and then take an envelope and write upon it for a missionary and for the House of the _____________________Mission, his companions.
3. And join them one to another into a letter and they shall become one in the hand of the mailman.
4. For what doth it profit a man if he say he hath thought, but write no letter? Can thoughts save him?
5. If a brother or sister have a birthday,
6. And you say unto him, Happy Birthday, notwithstanding you give them not a cake with candles upon it. What doth it profit?
7. Even so, thoughts without letters are dead, being alone.
8. But if we say we have no thoughts, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
9. Therefore, since ye have thoughts, write ye letters.

Chapter Ten

1. And now we wish to tell you the story of the Anti-letter-writer.
2. And there dwelt in the land at the time a certain Anti-letter-writer who went about convincing the people that there was no need to write letters.
3. Indeed so persuasive were his arguments that many people did cease to write letters to Missionaries.
4. Then a returned missionary did confront the Anti-letter-writer and didst dispute his arguments.
5. Then it came to pass that the Anti-letter-writer did ask for a sign that letters should be sent, then would he believe.
6. Then the returned missionary said, just as assuredly as letters are to be sent so wilt thou be struck down.
7. And at that moment the Anti-letter-writer was run over by a mail truck and was dragged even unto the Post Office, where he was subsequently mailed to Zimbabwe.
8. Now when the general public saw this they were pricked in their hearts and said, Men and brethren what shall we do?
9. Then the Returned Missionary said. Repent, every one of you and write ten letters unto each Missionary that he may forgive thee of thy thoughtlessness.
10. So now we leave you. Be of good cheer, and remember this last vision.
11. For I saw the dead, small and great stand before the judgment bar, and another book was opened which was the book of letters; and the dead were judged by the letters (or lack thereof) that they had written to the Missionaries.
12. So now we ask, What manner of men ought ye to be? Ye ought to be LETTER WRITERS !!!!!